Create Your Own Story

In the April 7th edition of TIME Magazine there was a commentary article entitled “Fast-Track Girls Finish Best” by Charlotte Alter. The article talks about two recent books Marry Smart by Susan Patton and Lean In For Graduates by Sheryl Sandberg and the advice they are both giving to young women today. Patton focuses on marriage/building a family while Sandberg zeros in on the career side of things. Although they both focus on different aspects of a young woman’s life, they are both saying the exact same thing: we don’t have any time to waste.

With all due respect, as a woman in my mid-twenties, I have to say I completely and wholeheartedly disagree.

Now, I haven’t read either of these books for myself and I also never plan to read either in the future. Here’s why.

Patton’s March Today Show interview sums up her book enough for me. Patton urges college women to primarily focus on finding a husband, further suggesting that young women should spend 75% of their time finding a spouse and 25% on professional development. She even suggests that if you need cosmetic surgery to do so before college, in order to make yourself more “socially successful” at finding a spouse. Patton has our biological ticking the moment we turn eighteen. She actually really seems to believe that we have absolutely no time to waste if marriage and children are part of our life plan, “Work will wait. Your fertility won’t.” I guess I missed the memo that said parents spend thousands and thousands of dollars to send their daughters to college for them to find a spouse and get knocked up. After all, that’s the only thing all women want anyways. Right?

Sandberg takes on the other extreme, that your career should be your prime focus. Sandberg, as the chief operating officer of Facebook, is a hugely successful woman in which many young women look up to. She has certainly climbed her way to the top in the corporate world and she deserves every bit of that success and admiration. The TIME article points out that in the introduction to Sandberg’s book she writes, “There’s no question that the world moves faster today… This means that grabbing opportunities is more important than ever.” Meaning, we need to take every opportunity we can to further our career as soon as we can. Alter describes Sandberg’s viewpoint perfectly, “The idea is to get good enough, fast enough, that your career becomes childproof.” Makes sense because all women are solely career hungry. Right?

Here’s where I have a problem with what both these women are saying. It’s not the advice itself that ticks me off (alright, maybe a little). It’s the fact that these women are sitting there telling other women where their priorities should be. Maybe I’m completely crazy, but what if we all just worried about creating our own story? I don’t see men writing countless books and articles for other men about how to live their life. It seems like most men sort of just figure their life out on their own. Why can’t we do that too? How about if women just started supporting other women’s decisions despite if we agree with them or not? How about if we all just decided which life path to take on our own based on what is personally important to us, what goals we have for ourselves, and our interests? Would the world fall apart? No degree, no life experience, no personal background qualifies one person to give another person advice about what their priorities should be. Part of life’s journey is figuring out those priorities for ourselves. The mystery of not knowing what the next step will be is half the fun. The priorities we choose create our own unique life. A life completely different from the woman sitting right next to you, living across the street from you, or living across the country.

Before my husband and I got married, we were dating for almost eight years. I was a sophomore in high school when we met and started dating. He has been a huge part of every aspect of my life since then: proms, graduations, birthdays, vacations, sporting events, successes, and failures. I chose to stay in a relationship with him because it just felt right to me, because I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it. While my friends were thinking about which boy they wanted to hook up with next I never once questioned my decision to have a serious boyfriend through most of my high school career and all throughout college. Although, he has always been and will always be one of my top priorities here’s the shocker- he wasn’t my only priority. My school work, where I wanted to go to college, and my career were all important to me too. I wanted to get good grades, go to my dream college, and have a successful career all with him right by my side. I never felt like I needed to pick one or the other. I created my own life story to fit all my own priorities. Yes, I got married less then two years out of college. But, I married my best friend, one of my biggest supporters, the person who always pushed me to be the best I could be. I also filled my time with priceless work experience, internships, and classes that would help me fulfill my other priorities. About two months out of college I was offered a job in my dream profession. Not because I was lucky, but because I worked for it. I sculpted my life to incorporate both of my priorities into it. I took part in internships, classes, and hobbies that showed I was serious about my career too. I had more than one dream, more than one priority and I created a life that would fit them both in it together. This is my story and let me be the first to tell you, it’s probably not yours too.

My decision to get married in my early twenties was one of the best I ever made, but I wouldn’t suggest or discourage another young woman from doing the same thing. I would rather ask, “Do you truly believe this is the best thing for you personally?” I couldn’t be happier to have started my dream job right out of college, but I wouldn’t suggest or discourage this either. I would rather ask, “Are you sure there’s nothing else you’d rather do?” I decided not to continue my education right after college, but I wouldn’t suggest or discourage this decision either. I would rather ask, “Do you feel completely prepared to reach your goals with the resources you currently have?” I decided that I was happy in the state I was living in, in the area I called home, so I decided to stay. I never studied abroad nor did I feel the need to travel immensely after college. I wouldn’t suggest or discourage another young woman from making that same decision. I would rather ask, “Do you feel completely fulfilled or do you feel like you are constantly chasing after something new?”

Unfortunately, my life decisions, what I have chosen for my priorities, won’t help you find yours. Patton’s and Sandberg’s won’t help you either. Follow your heart and trust your instincts. If you aren’t ready to settle down- don’t. If you aren’t ready to enter into the workplace- don’t. If you want to focus on getting married and having kids- do it. If you want to work solely on building your career- do it. If you want to make both work- trust me you can do that too. Making a quick decision is easy to regret, but no one ever regretted taking the time to truly figure out what they wanted. Despite what Patton and Sandberg suggest, you my fellow ladies have all the time in the world because as soon as you figure out your own priorities you won’t need anymore time.

From woman to woman, my advice to you is simply no advice at all.

Cheers, to celebrating love!

During my normal daily internet browsing I came across this absolutely adorable story/video about a 70-year-old woman who never got to wear the dress of her dreams on her wedding day so she decided to that she was going to make that happen now. This story struck me for many reasons. First let’s get to the obvious- this woman is kick-ass. It takes a lot of guts at the age of 70 to walk into a bridal store and say you are here to shop for a wedding dress… for yourself. Yes, you have every right to shop for whatever and wherever you want but that won’t stop other people’s eyes from staring and making assumptions about you. I can just imagine some of the things that ran through some people’s minds, “Why is she getting married NOW?!”, “Who do you think she is marrying?”, “How old is she?!”, or “She thinks she looks good in that?” I wish I could say that everyone’s reaction to seeing an older woman shop for a wedding dress would be positive (because it is a very awesome thing) but unfortunately, it will not. There will always be nay-sayers and debbie-downers everywhere you go and to put yourself in the spotlight like that is one of the coolest things I ever seen. I also think that it is amazing that after all these years this woman is still following her dream. I think there comes an age in many women’s lives that they give up on what they haven’t accomplished yet. They think their life is over so there’s no use in trying. Let this one single woman be an inspiration to all. She just shoved it in everyone’s face proving that it’s never too late. If your still breathing then your dreams are still worth achieving. Don’t put a limit on what you can or can’t do, you have no idea what you could be missing out on. Seeing the pure joy and happiness written all over this woman’s face says it all. If she hadn’t taken charge of her own dreams she never would have gotten to experience that happiness and that once in a lifetime feeling. That pure joy and happiness is the second reason that I love this story so much that I just had to come here and blab about it to you all.

Having just had a wedding of my own this story also reminded me what a special and memorable experience I had the honor of having. Yes, I agree that the idea of a “typical” modern wedding has gotten way out of hand. The extravagant venue, the music, the flowers, the decor, the food, the favors, the dresses, the tuxes, the makeup, the hair, the shoes, the cake, the first dance, the honeymoon all seem to consume your mind. Why do we need all these things to get married? Why isn’t love enough? Well, I will tell you why. In fact, love is more than enough. Like this woman, if you are with the right person, you don’t need all these things to be happy. All you need is that other person by your side. It doesn’t matter what you are wearing, where you are, or what’s for dinner. All that matters is that you are now bonded in a deeper love, a love that will only make you love your partner more and more everyday. BUT, until you experience a “typical” wedding day for yourself you won’t understand why you need those other things. It’s actually not really a need, it’s more of a want. All humans need love. We all have a natural instinct to find love. But, we also have wants as well. We want to share this moment with all our friends and family. We want to feel our absolute best. We want to have the time of our life. We want to feel like a princess. We need our partner to feel whole but we want our celebration.

A wedding is a celebration, it’s a once in a lifetime celebration. A celebration indicating that you found the love of your life, your soul mate, and your best friend. It’s a celebration that is worth the world. The day you get married is full of bliss, love, laughter, and joy from the moment you wake up till the moment you go to bed. The moment you slip into that dress it’s pure happiness. Your first step down that aisle is pure happiness. Your first kiss is pure happiness. Your first dance is pure happiness. The biggest moment of your life is immensely surrounded by happiness. There is so much love, so much excitement, so much good surrounding the both of you that it completely reaffirms why you are there, doing what you are doing. It’s true, the moment you say “I do” is really all you need but all that happiness that surrounds you makes for an unforgettable, completely self-centered, incredible moment that everyone deserves. We don’t need it but we want it.

This woman demonstrates that all you really do need is love. She was married happily for many, many years never having had a lavish wedding but she also demonstrates that sometimes it’s alright to want more than you need. If you want it- go get it. That pure joy on her face can’t be faked. That love for her husband can’t be faked. That want had to be clenched. And their love will only grow stronger.

You can see a few pictures on David’s Bridal Facebook page. Follow me on twitter @LConfidence and/or at my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Lipstick-Confidence/411787572256608.